In this day and age, parenting can sometimes feel like an afterthought when there are already so many other concerns to deal with from day-to-day. Most parents are present with their family only after most of the day, and all of the work that comes with it is over. After a long day of working, managing professional relationships, dealing with deadlines, and stressing over countless other things, it’s easy to fall into the habit of finishing work and then immediately trying to decompress.
This habit can eat up a lot of time. The next thing you know, the only time you’re actually spending with your family is during dinner–perhaps physically there, but your mind is elsewhere. The story continues the following day, turning into a mundane cycle. Rinse and Repeat.
It happens all the time to parents, so don’t worry. You may not be as present with your child as you’d like to be, but that doesn’t make you an uninvolved parent. It just means that you’ve probably developed some habits that are using up what time you have left after work that could be spent with your family. There are several strategies and habits that you can develop which will allow you to become more present in your child’s life and help you with releasing any guilt or stress that you may experience over this situation.
Here are a few suggestions:
1. Turn off the Electronics
It seems that time and time again, the most commonly given piece of advice on how to be more present with people is to turn off or silence your electronics when spending time with others. Electronics like phones, tablets, laptops, and television are some of the biggest distractions we have.
It’s easy to see your child on their devices and think they’re the ones who are always distracted by technology. Still, you may be surprised to hear that 68% of parents report being distracted by their phones when spending time with their children.
When you finish your work and are at home with your family, turn off or silence your electronics and just be with your loved ones. Delete any apps that prove to be distracting, such as Facebook, YouTube, Instagram, Twitter, and other social media sites or games. These apps are designed to be attention-grabbing. Their push notifications exist to distract you from the conversations and parenting that you could be doing with your family.
You get sucked into those stories (because they are entertaining and help your brain release dopamine) that you find it is more pleasurable mindlessly browsing social media, rather than the nagging and correcting of your children. Just like a gambling or substance addiction, social media addiction involves broken reward pathways in our brains. … When a person posts a picture and gets positive social feedback, it stimulates the brain to release dopamine, which again rewards that behavior and perpetuates the social media habit.
Start thinking about ways to limit social media usage for yourself and your children. Ask your children what they would like to experience more at home, take their suggestions, and try them out!
2. Slow Down, Enjoy the Moment
People are ruled by clocks; there seems to be a deadline for any given task or aspiration. How often do you run through your child’s schedule with the express purpose of getting to the end as quickly as possible? It’s easy to get into the groove and start going through the motions with your child, but consider this:
Every moment, every interaction you have with your child is a moment that can be slowed down and savored.
If your goal is to be more present with your child, then rushing through their schedule won’t make that happen. Instead, find opportunities throughout the day to slow down and connect: when you’re making a meal, let them participate in some small way so that they are part of the process and allow them to take their time; when walking somewhere, have a conversation with your child and listen with care to whatever it is they have to say. Appreciate the process and use that experience to connect rather than rush through.
For children, their childhood is all about the journey, not the destination. Try to bring that mindset to every interaction you have with them, and they will love you for it.
Another beautiful and rewarding way to slow down and enjoy the moment is to practice mindfulness. There are plenty of suggestions on how to be mindful. However, the activity that stands out most to my clients are using their 5 senses (see, hear, smell, taste, and touch) while being present in the moment. No, you do not have to use all 5 of your sense because some of them may seem weird, so just exclude them. But do notice the sparkle in their eyes, the smile on their face, the smell of their hair, and so on. Notice the little details about them. It helps you to feel more present, connected and guilt-free.
3. Practice Self-Care Strategies
Parenting is all about focusing on the needs of another person—you already know that. The thing is, that doesn’t mean that you are supposed to stop focusing on your needs, too.
Remember, you do still have needs of your own.
Many people feel guilty about taking care of themselves and feel like all of their time, energy, and money should be going towards their child. Even if you feel like you need to be efficient and on the move like a machine, remember that all machines need to be maintained.
Developing self-care strategies helps you avoid creating a downward spiral that prevents you from being an engaged, present, and empathetic parent. Even if you only have time for 2-3 minute breathing techniques a day, do something to take care of yourself. Most of the concerns parents report is not having enough time for self-care. I challenge them to learn how to do deep breathing for 2-3 minutes. It can be done first thing in the morning when you wake up—perhaps in the toilet room (we all have to use the restroom first thing in the morning anyway, right?).
Conclusion
Developing a parenting style in which you’re involved and present in your child’s life, yet free from the guilt of practicing self-care, can take some time. It may involve some trial and error to determine which habits, activities, and strategies work best for you and your child. You’ll likely have to try several new things, and there may even be some growing pains. Simultaneously, you adjust to these new parenting practices—not everything you try will be a hit with your or your children.
However, there’s one thing that you can be sure of: you and your child will be much better off for your efforts.
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